March 19th, 2003



I have this irrational fear of everything around me falling apart. Like waking up in a bed and the ceiling and walls all collapsing. I was in Florida with my family for spring break when I was seven years old when I read a news story about a house caving in on a family. Some people thought a meteor had crashed into it because of the force of the collapse.

I live across this storage space. At night they flash these huge lights to ward off anyone trying to steal stuff but the lights fill my room even with the blinds drawn and sometimes I find it hard to sleep. If It's late and I still can't sleep I stare at the side of this next door hardware building and read the words. "Tools..Lumber…Lighting…Kitchen Appliances…Hardware…." I repeat this until I fall asleep.

I woke up to a day off from work and decided to go to this party a friend of mine was having. I normally would go to these events because I could talk with people and feel a different type of connection than I usually do surrounding my job. The last time I remotely felt a sense of closeness there was with an elderly lady who asked me to help her bring groceries to her car. She was kind of rude and I think most people would feel disrespected but for me it felt like she knew how to break the awkward aspect of it all down. She just wanted to be there with me and wanted me to know there didn't need to be this strange barrier to our small talk. I liked that and we talked for a second about her life. She was coming back from church and stopped for some ingredients to bake a pie for her niece who was in town. She made some joke about her niece being ungrateful and I had a genuine laugh with her. I put the groceries into her car and told her to have a nice day. Why do I find it so hard to find moments like this? I wonder how many people want that type of conversation and dance ever so slightly off from getting it - I can sense it in my mom sometimes. When she talks to me it feels like theres a wall she won't dare climb over - I try to climb over and shout down "it's ok!" But I think she feels like it keeps us both safe in conversation. No room for either to get hurt. But I wonder If it only keeps us from ever really getting to truly know each other. I see how my friends talk with their parents at this age now and I can't help but feel a bit jealous. I want to be friends with her - not feel like I still live under her roof and I have a curfew. But sometimes I feel like when I'm truly being vulnerable with someone, when I actually share myself and what I believe is true, their eyes glaze over and I can tell I've lost them. It's painful. Only when I put on an emotional mask, a half-of-the-truth impression of what someone would WANT me to be - do I see their face light up with engagement, with them following every line of what I said. The world has taught me to lie.

Later when I'm at the party loud music from a small speaker plays in the living room. It looks like they haven't cleaned in months, dust and long strands of hair collect on seats of chairs. They have this chair they keep calling their party trick. It's one of those old space age egg chairs and I guess the cushioning makes your voice sound super dry. People are laughing and taking turns sitting in it. It doesn't really interest me so I go out for a cigarette. There were a few people outside I remember seeing at the last get together here. I didn't really know who they knew here but they must be friend's of Marc's..I'm decent with faces but so terrible with names. If someone didn't come up to me first I'd never talk to them - even drunk. We make eye contact and I amuse myself by looking at texts, thinking about how I should text back a friend and a coworker I had put off responding to.

I douse the cigarette in rainwater and I go back inside.

The party's over but I decide not to call a taxi and to just wander around for a little while. I think I just felt cute and I had put together this outfit and wanted to still enjoy being out in it. Not that anyone was even around at this time - the rain mirrored the streets and made them look longer and more empty, like a funhouse maze.

As I walk I start to think about this girl I met 2 months back. It's strange because although it was brief I feel as if we've met before. We met on the train when I was on the way home from the funeral. We talked for only a second - funny I can't actually remember what we talked about. I remembered her eyes and that I had made her laugh. But our conversation was stopped by some new people getting on the train and I didn't realize It was my stop as well so I quickly jumped off.

A couple of weeks earlier I found a card for a company called Second Chance Inc. with their phone number. I liked their tagline "Can't let go of the feeling you missed happiness with someone by just a step in the wrong direction? Call 1(888) 996-0415 for a second chance today!". I had been thinking about that stranger for a few months now. If only I had found a reason to push the conversation further maybe we would be together right now, walking around this area at night. I was tired of these nights where my story stayed on the same page. I pulled the card out of my wallet at a stoplight and dialed the number.