April 8th, 2003



Time is so funny to me. I can't believe I'm about to be 25 in a few months.. more than quarter of my life already passed me by and It didn't even register. And It probably never WILL register and then I'll be 50 thinking about where the time went. That's what most people say at that age. Some kind of weird universal experience shared amongst all humans. Maybe not all. Not sure.

I've been working at this pharmacy for about a year now. It's incredibly boring just packing pills all day. How much time of my life have I already spent counting pills? When you count pills all day It's basically the same as just counting the seconds in a minute. Imagine a whole day of counting every second out loud. Sounds weirdly nice, but It's bumming me out writing about it. I see everything in numbers now. Amounts and figures. I sort everything in my head like that now I think. Maybe an OCD thing, like tracing how many triangles can fit into each stair in a staircase with my finger while walking up them. I think deep down I like grouping things. Maybe I like my job more than I think I do. At least It's not like the last one I had.

But I do miss when I had interests and hobbies. These days It's all just work. I still try to keep my social life afloat. I clean the apartment and exercise and then I'm too tired to do anything else. Maybe I'm not cut out for anything else. Feeling like a cog lately..

Life really throws you around. I feel like life happens and It just batters you and batters you and ends up sucking the passion right out of you by the end of it. Bills to pay and whatnot. Not much room to really do anything that I actually want to do. Or wanted to do now I guess.. Doesn't really feel like what I wanted back then is what I still want now in this moment. And I know that's technically okay, but I don't know if I even want anything at all!

I miss when I used to write even if it was just for college or whatever. Picking my major? My senior thesis? What was all of that liberal arts college shit even for? Now It's turned into useless info floating around taking up whatever headspace I have left after work. More important things now to remember anyway. Did i take my medicine? Did i feed my cat? And again: bills bills bills…

A couple of days ago I read this cookbook my mom gave me again… at the end of high school she gifted it to me and said now I could make all the recipes that I loved growing up. I mostly just thumb through it for nostalgias sake but never end up cooking anything from it. I'm like "Maybe today I'll make that one soup she would make for me whenever I was sick or make that pasta dish my dad loves" and then I always default to something boring. Just eating for fuel because I'm lazy. I have recipes practically committed to memory that I know in my heart I will never make. Why do we seek out information that Isn't essential to us? It feels so weird and wasteful. Maybe thats why I'm turning 25 and It doesn't feel like I am. Because so much of my life has been wasted on pointless things. It really feels like im turning 18. I think that math adds up. A difference of 7 years wasted collecting useless info.

Maybe I'm happy just getting by and being one of the many ordinary people. A very normal existence suits me the more and more I think on it. I really just wish i had someone to share it with. life gets lonely and i feel like a freak sometimes and i yearn to find love and to be loved but cant stand most people. i wonder if anyone will truly truly get me. Dramatic… but i really do feel like that. am i the unlovable one?? or am i incapable of loving someone else?

I get lonely these days. I wish there was more things interesting about me - and honestly I rarely like the people i meet. But there was this one boy I passed in the street a few months ago who I can't stop thinking about. We were both on our way to work I'm assuming and had quick banter on the train before two people stood in between us and he got off. I forgot to get his name - just my luck. I sometimes have dreams about him. He gives me his hand and I count the lines on his palm for him. I don't tell him what the lines mean - I just count them until I wake up. Then I saw this billboard near the mall the other day that reminded me of him. It said something about reconnecting with a stranger by calling this number. I don't know exactly how the service works but I'm going to call tonight! I need something to change soon.